inspired

i want to make beauty like this

baby flirts

lately i seem to have charmed several childs at work. a couple days ago, a 3-year-old invited me back to his house to share his toys, because "you're a very beautiful girl, avery." when i told his mother, who works in the baby room at the center, about his invitation, she first laughed indulgently at her "flirt of a son." she then gushed, lightly, about what a good thing that is for my relationship with him. she said it means he's not threatened by me, as he is by his peers--he gets anxious about sharing the toys. thanks? flattering, i suppose. today, when i walked into the baby room, one boychild, about 10-months-old, beamed and followed me across the room with his eyes. when i washed my hands and turned around to greet him, looking him in the eye, he let a huge hiccup-y giggle, and then a sigh--one of relaxation, satisfaction, and gratification. the part-time helper called him out, laughing that he was a shameless flirt.

yet again, the kiddos seem to have gotten it right before the rest of us. this is validation. sure, you could call it flirting, as the women did, but that introduces clammy preteen ideas of fluttering eyelashes and barely cleavage. it's natural and healthy to let someone know when they are making you so happy. when you want to share your toys with them. when it makes you smile just for them to look at you. it doesn't have to do with sex or love games. it's about acknowledging that human contact is stimulating and exhilarating and beautiful. let's tell people we love when we are loving them, when their simple presence is all you need right then.

six feet under

I'm free like you
was it the day I left when you
finally gave in too
Something new,
that had to be the last day ooh.
You're bigger than this,
I could hardly see,
right in front of my eyes you stood for days,
(isn't that strange?)

I'm free like you,
I'm free like you,
6 ft under,
can you hear me,
wonder

I finally got out,
I looked at the world to see,
in your eyes,
I figured it out,
What took you away from me,
I know daisies never bloom,
inside of a room
There's nothing left, for me, to do,

I'm free like you,
I'm free like you,
I'm free like you,
I'm free like you,
6ft under,
can you hear me, wonder.

All the things I never got to say,
had a chance, wasted it away,
I never got to ask why.

Everywhere I go I see your face,
it can't be there,
It's driving me insane
to think its all gone by.

I'm free like you,
I'm free like you,
I'm free like you,
I'm free like you,
6ft under,
can you hear me, wonder

Either way,
I know we can make it more,
if we can only depend, we only depend,
on what fate has for us,
this will never end,
never end,
never end,
never end,
never end,
Never end,
can't you see that this will never end.

BAHH

SPRING BREAK IS SO FRUSTRATING

peasy poo

today's one of those days that feels easy. it feels much easier than usual to know who avery is (and to be her). it's easy to to the right thing, and be on time. i'm on schedule in work--that never happens. it was easy for me to run at practice, light airy on my toes sweating laughing happy. it was easy for me to forget the stuff i do wrong all the time and to forget forgetting the people i forget and who i don't deserve. but no matter. it was easy to believe that i know what i'm doing at work and here at school and in life, that i shouldn't doubt myself when they leave me with six babies to watch on my own or give me a paper to write or let me solve my own problems.

it was slightly easier to control the inner bitch avery, but not so easy that she didn't peek out, say, every 4 minutes or so. i guess no day is that easy.

twin high maintenance machines

i've found my new crack: the hallmark channel show called adoption, real families, real stories.
it's so great for crying.
i watched this morning instead of going to class.

i'm looking forward to my 4 day weekend and lots of sleep.

mourning

r.i.p. beloved rugby sweatshirt, marred on the front by a spill of rubber cement. i hate stupid rubber cement.

i am sick again. i suppose it it my own fault for working with snotty-nosed kids.

i wish i had more skillz.

nuances

sometimes it feels like i live my life between periods of friend crushes, when all i want is for a certain person to think i'm worth the trials of friendship. i just don't know anymore. my neediness hasn't been as obvious since i got back to school as it was before, i don't think, but i'm still constantly looking for validation.

sometimes i'm just so curious to know all, that i find myself craving hearing things that other people say about me--things they don't plan on me ever hearing. i wouldn't be offended, i don't think, i just want to know it. i hate being left out.