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doing things anally + early avery writings

somehow i think i've returned home from my second year of college about three times as anal as I left. a friend suggested that it may have something to do with living in a single this year and the resulting total control over my life and all facets of it. it's suddenly hard for me to watch a sibling cut up cheese or an avocado without watching them the entire time and swooping in to wipe the scraps into my hands as soon as they've moved on to their next activity (inevitable leaving the mess for me; why not? i'm there, and i'll twitch until it's cleaned up anyway.) but my analness isn't only about other people--i've become more routine based even when by myself. i have a bedtime routine, i have a certain order that i check sites in the morning, i've come up with a new organization system for my important papers. i respect this part of myself--i get stuff done, efficiently and well, for the most part. still, i'm a little worried of how this self will get along with camp, which embodies the less careful side of me. camp, where nothing is ever completely clean and leaving a mess for later is sometimes the best thing, might not like this avery, or she might feel burdened by it (which i clearly do not want). i've dealt with melding my eccentricities with those of camp before, but for some reason it feels like it may be more of a problem this year.

in other news, mother recovered a datebook in which she tried to write down things her darling children were saying and doing in the business year of 2003-2004. apparently i talked about god a lot, which is interesting to me. notable: my first poem, written out by me, age about four and a half, then read aloud so my mother could transcribe.

The rain we bless
Little heads all about
For we're God's little trudgers

the way things are

i hate it when i feel like there's something off in the world and i try to fix it, but it's one of those things that just IS, and i mess something else up by calling attention to it. theme of life right now. both with stuff i've done and stuff i want to do so bad because they feel wrong and are hurting me. i talk about everything too much. i need to just let it be.

i'm miserable.

electroconnectorpersonalshazambam

one of the things i like least about new england, or it may be just new england college towns and campuses, or maybe even only this specific new england college town and campus...anyway, sometimes i feel wildly deprived of stranger interactions, especially eye contact and small-talk. walking around middlebury, you can tell when someone approaching you has resolved to interact with you as little as possible. there is the fifteen feet away look at the ground, the fiddle with the ipod, the initiation of a phone conversation...all hints that this person thinks it'll be better for all involved, and certainly less awkward, if you don't even look each other in the eye. sometimes i want to shake these people. i want to hug them, and say "HEY! i'm a person! you're a person! isn't it cool that we have that in common! plus, say, ain't we walking down the same street together on the very same day? there's that, too!" (i may have borrowed a few words from my husband, paul simon, there...hopefully he'll forgive me, the peach. seriously. i just feel like if i had the chance to, i could connect with, on some level, every person i ever see. i'd love to sit down with them and ask them whether they like to wish on eyelashes too, whether they floss their teeth, and if they do, do they do it before or after they brush, whether they love gmail, whether they hate mustard, until we find something that we feel the same about. i don't think it'd take very long. with anyone! ANYONE! but, i can't even get some eye contact.

the worst part is that i'm totally socialized into it, myself. today is a strong day of resistance to the avoiding way. sad.