i need your little shiny light

more on being in limbo: two days ago, i told hannah over the phone that i was flying "home" on january 2nd and my mother, who overheard, immediately called me out. since then, i've felt it necessary to think carefully about how to refer to college and my dorm and my classes. this, here, is still home...it feels like home to have to watch for traffic when i go running, to drive to the library and target and the thrift store, to regularly see people who knew me throughout the (more) awkward years and still love me, to watch movies and cry at anything remotely emotional, to spend time alone in my room without feeling lonely, to wear flip-flops to dinner and a movie on christmas day, to sleep with people in my bed with me. yet some part of me seems to be holding its breath in some way, waiting until i can get back to vermont--back to constant people interactions, back to my cramped corner of a room, back to the cliques that i don't think i can break into, back to blocking my emotions until they flood, back to rich people, back to too much work to spend my entire life rotting in bed, back to being the affection whore in nearly every situation, back to erecting huge barriers around my quirks until i feel safe enough to reveal them, back to regular meals, back to the snow. it's so weird not to know where i belong. should i be trying to know? is there a right answer?

i probably just feel like home is wherever my large fish slippers are--i KNEW i should have tried to stuff them into my carry-on.

travesties

-i just ate the last pickle and put the jar back in the refrigerator
-lydia is too fat to die
-i never go to sleep when i say i will
-i am in extreme limbo
-my cat is deaf